


Though I May Speak With Bravest Fire

by alexanderhamilsin



Category: Hamilton- Miranda
Genre: M/M, V unnatural ending because im tired, also im a little drunk while posting this so excuse any weird tags lmao, anyways its post burn, but with john?, sorry lmao, that doesnt make sence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-28
Updated: 2016-10-28
Packaged: 2018-08-27 10:44:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,226
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8398549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexanderhamilsin/pseuds/alexanderhamilsin
Summary: Post-Burn but w/ John Laurens?





	

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't tried aditing im very drunks excuse me im terrible

John knocks on Alex’s door before peeking his head in. Alex hears the creak of the door and smiles through the mirror before looking down at his computer again. John flashes a toothy grin before walking further in, shutting the door behind him.

“Hey, baby. What’re you working on now?”   
“Hey. I’m just revising one of my older plans. It got shut down but I would  _ really  _ like to get it through Congress.”   
“Well, what’s it about?”   
“I was thinking that we could all work better towards reaching at least a decent level of stability for the country’s financial system if the government would pay off state debts. We could help pay the government back through bonds, and finally get going towards making things  _ better.” _

“I can see why they’d say no the first time.  _ Nobody  _ likes paying taxes. So what are you gonna change in it?”   
“I don’t really know, my mind’s a blank.”   
“I’m sorry, baby. Can I ask you something?”   
“Yeah, what is it?”   
“Would you like to go to dinner tomorrow?”   
Alex frowns and pulls off his thin glasses.

“I’m sorry, I can’t. I’ve  _ really  _ got to get this through, I need every bit of time I can get on it. Rain check?”   
“Alexander, please. You’ve pulled that the last  _ seven  _ times I’ve asked you about it.”   
“Honey, you’ve got to understand the importance of this plan. My career depends on it.”   
“I don’t care! I just want to get dinner with my own husband! Why can’t you take a break for  _ one night  _ and spend some time with me?”

“I’m sorry, baby.” Alex still hasn’t looked up from his keyboard, typing simple words in the document to find a distraction.

John flares his nostrils and stomps over to Alex before shutting the computer on his hands, Alex pulling them back and wincing in pain.

“What the actual  _ hell  _ was that for, Laurens?”   
John stands tall, despite his regret for hurting the other man. He looks down at Alex with a fiery gaze but a tear is running down his nose and over his lips.

“Are you with someone else?”   
This makes Alex’s heart skip a beat. He stops rubbing his hand and  _ finally  _ meets John’s eyes.

“What?”   
“I asked if you were cheating on me.”

“I- what? No. Why would you think that, John?”   
Alex stands up and tries to hug John with shaking hands, but John pushes him away with two fingers.

“I think you should know why.”   
“I wouldn’t! And when would I have the time, anyways? I’m always writing, even when you’re working.”

“I don’t know! But clearly you find away.”

“Show me why you think this. But I wouldn’t do that to you, I promised to make sure you were happy and you’re goddamned right that that’s what I’ve been trying to do.”   
“Fine!”

John huffs and walks out of the room. He goes and gets his evidence before coming back in and dumping it on the bed.

Alex’s mouth is agape at the pile, and then John starts picking things up and explaining.

“Red lipstick, neither of us unless you do that when I’m at work. A bra. Yeah, neither of us. One of your white shirt  _ stained  _ with said lipstick, and I know you care too much about your fucking looks to do something like that. One heel.  _ Notes.  _ My god, the  _ notes,  _ Alex. I read them. Whatever happened between you and this  _ girl  _ wasn’t platonic. You couldn’t even do it online, probably so you wouldn’t get caught because of, of course _ ,  _ your  _ fucking. legacy. _ Now look me straight in the eyes, and I  _ dare you,  _ tell me you weren’t with someone else.”

John stands up before Alex and looks him in the eyes. Alex tries to step closer, but John shoves him away again.

“ _ Tell me.” _

Alex stares at him and shakes his head.

“John- I- I didn’t- I-”

John lifts his head a bit higher, Alex starts bawling and falls to his knees, John steps away. 

Alex is wailing, John can’t really make out the words. He’s trying to keep in the tears himself as Alex stares up at him with the most helpless look John’s ever seen on a person.

After a while, John kneels down and picks Alex’s head up with his index finger and thumb.

“John… I’m-”   
“I have one question.”   
Alex nods frantically.

“Why couldn’t I be enough for you?” John turns his head before getting up and walking out the door, only grabbing his phone and keys on the way. Alex is left a sobbing mess on the ground.

-

John finally calls Alex a few days after the confrontation.

“John- John I’m so sorry I lo-”   
“Shut up, Alex. I will hang up if you try to apologize before I’m done speaking.”

“Ye- Yeah.”   
“Why haven’t you gone to work?”   
“I- What?”   
“President Washington called me, you weren’t answering me. He was worried. Why weren’t you going?”   
“I- I haven’t moved much. I can’t live with myself.”   
“Whatever. You need to call him back, or go back to work. You might lose your job.”   
“I’ll try.”   
“Have you been eating? Don’t lie to me, I know in your voice when you’re lying.”

“I ha- Ye- No. I haven’t much. Since everything happened, I’ve only had a few crackers that I had on my counter, I can’t move.”   
“Have you even moved since I was last with you?”   
“Barely.”   
“Jesus  _ Christ,  _ Alex. Can’t take care of yourself. I’m coming over. Don’t think that this is going to be some sort of redemption shot, a chance to fix things.”

He hangs up before Alex can reply.

John reaches the house about 10 minutes later. He unlocks it and busts into Alex’s room, stares at the sobbing man on the floor for a few seconds before picking him up and laying him on the bed, ignoring a bit of vomit that had gotten on his shirt.

“Goddammit, Alex. You can’t depend on everybody else to make sure you  _ live.  _ I’ll be right back.”   
John walks to the kitchen a grabs some food, sticks some bread in the toaster. While it’s getting ready, he takes 2 bananas and a few bottles of water into Alex.

“Drink, eat. ”

He stares as Alex weakly grabs the food and starts trying to peeling it, but can’t from the loss of strength. John sighs and reaches over to peel both fruits.

“Why weren’t you moving, how could you not have moved?”   
“I- I didn’t have the strength. I couldn’t feel without you.”   
“Yeah. Well maybe if you would have been able to keep your dick in your pants than I would’ve been here.”   
“I’m sorry-”   
“I said no apologies before I’m done. I  _ will  _ walk out that door.”   
“Okay, yeah.”

“You’re going to work tomorrow.”   
“I can’t.”   
“I’m going to repeat myself.  _ You’re going to work tomorrow.  _ No exceptions.”   
“I- I’ll try.”   
“No, you  _ will.” _

“Okay.”   
“Good. I’m calling President Washington back tonight, I’m going to ask him to make sure that one, you stay the whole work day. Two, you eat lunch and dinner at work, you always stayed late anyways.”   
“I’m not 6, John.”   
“Well you’re acting like it. Don’t talk back to me. Have you slept?”

“Not much.”   
“Well, that’s typical. But you’re getting 8 hours tonight.”

“How will you know?”   
“I just will, okay?”

There’s a few seconds of silence before Alex speaks again.

“I don’t deserve you.”   
John sighs.

“You don’t.”   
With that, he goes back to the kitchen and grabs the toast. 

Alex is crying again when he get back to the room.

“Stop crying  _ now,  _ Alex. You know what you did, this is the consequence.”

“John-”   
“I’m going to leave. I’m going to call President Washington and ask him for those favors. I’ll check back on you tomorrow.”

“Why are you doing this for me?”

John pauses and sighs deeply.

“Because I still love you.”

“Then why don’t you forgive me?”   
“Because it fucking  _ hurt,  _ Alex. I thought you were a safe place but I guess you were just another person who screwed me over.”   
“John, I love you.”   
“I lo- I’ll see you tomorrow.”   
John walks out the door with a few tears running down his cheeks, not sure if he wanted to get away or go back.

He keeps walking.

-

He goes back to his and Alex’s house before he goes to Alex’s workplace. The door was locked, either Alex locked it when going to work or he locked it thinking it would keep John out. 

Either way, John still had his keys.

When he walks in, he doesn’t see Alex. But he smells him, the iconic scent of ink getting all over his skin and the specially-ordered paper that Alex likes to write on for official documents. It almost makes John cry again, almost.

He throws some of his clothes into a bag, also taking travel-sized bottles of Alex’s shampoo and conditioner, something to remember.

He also stares at a picture of him and Alex on their wedding day for a few minutes before grabbing it and throwing it in his bag.

He finally leaves the house and starts driving to Alex’s workplace. 

-

Alex is already waiting at the front entrance when John gets in, spending about 20 minutes in a security check.

He runs over and wraps his arms around John, but John slowly pushes him away.

“Have you eaten yet today?”   
“N- No?”   
“I brought you lunch, you’re going to now.”

John grabs his wrist and pulls him to his office, knowing where it is from previous visits. He sits down in Alex’s chair behind the desk and sits Alex at the other side. He throws a brown paper bag to Alex.

“It’s a sandwich, the kind I usually make for you. Also a bag of chips. I know you keep water in your cooler here, drink two bottles. I’m not leaving until I see it finished. Okay.”   
“Yeah, sure. Can I at least sit in my seat?”   
“No.”

“Fine. I love you.”    
“Eat.”   
Alex frowns but looks down at his food and starts eating. John ends up getting up and walking to President Washington’s, hoping he can get in without trouble.

He has to go through  _ another  _ security check, and a brief interrogation as well, but finally gets to the President.

“Mr. Washington?”   
He looks up with a serious expression, but smiles when he realizes who it is.

“Hello, Mr. Laurens!”   
“Hello. How has Alex been doing today?”   
“Well, he’s seemed very distracted. Not focused, didn’t even bother to fight Mr. Jefferson today.”   
“Has he eaten much?”   
“Not that I’ve seen. I didn’t get to ask yesterday, why were you wanting me to do this?”   
“I don’t think I should say.”   
“It’s alright, Laurens, you can talk to me.”   
“I don’t think  _ he’d  _ want me to say, Mr. Washington.”   
“Okay, I get it. Now, you said that he should eat dinner here as well, correct?”   
“Yes, please. I can leave money if you don’t think he’d buy it himself.”   
“No, I’ll pay if he doesn’t. He’s done so much for me, anyways.”   
“Thank you, Mr. President.”   
“Of course. Now, will this apply for any other times?”   
“Yes. I will just tell you when it’s not needed anymore.”   
“Alright. Is there anything else?”   
“Yeah, one more. Does it seem like he got 8 hours of sleep last night?”   
“I’m not really sure. Maybe a little bit more awake than usual? I’m sorry, I just can’t tell.”

“It’s fine. Thank you, Mr. Washington.”   
“Of course, I’ll get him dinner at about 6 if he hasn’t eaten by then.”   
“Sounds good. I’ll probably come in a few times while this is happening.”   
“Alright. Goodbye, Mr. Laurens.”   
“Goodbye, Mr. President.”

John walks out the door after they shake hands and walks back into Alex’s office. He’s still working on the first half of his sandwich, but an empty water bottle is at his side and the bag of chips is empty.

John sits back behind the desk and looks at Alex.

“Slow, but at least you’re eating. Look at me.”   
Alex sets down his sandwich and stares up at John while chewing his last bite.

“How many hours of sleep did you get last night?”   
Alex swallows his bite.

“About 8 or 9?”

John narrows his eyes, Alex looked to the left. His voice was also higher pitched, an indicator.   
“You’re lying. Tell me the truth.”   
“Sorry. I don’t really know, More than 4? I fell asleep at sometime after 1 in the morning and woke up at 5 something.”   
“Thank you for not lying. But you didn’t listen. I said at least 8.”   
“I know, I’m sorry. I had to wor-”   
“I swear to  _ god,  _ Alex. If you say you had to work one more time I  _ will  _ leave. No coming back. You get 8 hours, or you never hear from me again.”   
“I will tonight, I’m sorry.”   
“You better. I’m going to leave. I trust that you’ll eat the rest of that. If you don’t eat dinner, Mr. Washington is going to buy it for you. Okay?”   
“Yeah. Goodbye, Jack. I love you.”   
“Goodbye, Alex.”

John walks out, sitting in his car for a while and staring straight ahead before actually driving.

-

When he walks into the door, Hercules was already walking down the stairs to see him. He smiles brightly and takes John’s bags.

“Hey, Laurens. Are there any other bags to get?”   
“Yo. No, there aren’t. Thanks, though.”

Hercules throws all the bags into the guest room before coming back to John, who’s now in the living room.

“So, how’d it go today?”   
“Sucked. Lots.”   
“I’m sorry, dude. So, what even happened with him? Or would you still rather not say.”

“I mean, I guess I’ll say. But you have to promise not to tell anyone.”

“Of course. I won’t.”

“Well, first of all he never stopped working. No matter what I would try. He would barely look at me, even.”   
“That bitch.”   
“Um, yeah. Sure. But I kind of snapped. I told him that I thought he was cheating. He denied, but I brought in evidence I had. Then he kind of confessed. He cheated on me with a girl, don’t know her name. But yeah. I left and he didn’t move from the place. I checked in on him and he hadn’t eaten or drank or gone to work. So now I’m trying to get him back together, but I don’t even know how to  _ feel  _ anymore.”

Hercule’s nostrils were flared and he looks angry.   
“Why the hell are you helping him?”   
“Because I still love him.”

“ _ How _ ?”   
“Because I married him, I loved him. I still do. But he hurt me and now I don’t even know what to do with myself.”   
“You should leave him!”

“I should. But I’d be even  _ more  _ upset if I did that.”   
“I don’t know what to say. I mean, I just know that I’m fucking  _ pissed  _ at Alex.”   
“Me too.”

“Are you gonna tell Laf?”   
“Yeah. I mean, whenever he gets home I guess. Where is he anyways?”   
“He got a job, Starbucks I think.”

“Cool, he spent too much on their drinks anyways. Maybe now he won’t go bankrupt because of it.”   
They both chuckle a bit, it being the first time John’s smiled since everything happened.

“So, can I say something to Alex? Cause I’d really like to talk to him.” 

“I’d rather you not. He feels bad enough.”   
“ _ Good-” _

_ “ _ No, it’s not! Well, yes it is. I don’t know!” John starts yelling, but Hercules puts a hand on his shoulder and pushes him down a bit. He doesn’t even get to speak before John collapses onto his knees and starts sobbing, something he’d been holding in for days now.

“I’m sorry, Herc. I’m so  _ fucking  _ sorry.”

“John,  _ John,  _ calm down. You don’t have to apologize for anything. You’re good.”   
“No I’m  _ not.  _ I’m a  _ wreck  _ without Alex and I can’t take him back but I really  _ fucking want to.” _ _   
_ Hercules doesn’t respond. He just lets John cry into his knees and ramble his apologies. At one point, John changes positions so just his head is lying in Hercules’ lap and he’s leaving tear stains on his jeans. After a few minutes, John finally stops and just lays there.

“John, are you okay?”   
“Not really.” 

It was at that point that Lafayette walks in the door with a bright smile and some Starbucks drinks in his hand.

“Bonjour, bébés!” He says as he turns the corner and puts the drinks on the table. Once he notices the state of both men on the couch, he pulls up his sunglasses and frowns.

“John, are you alright, dear?”

“No.”   
“What ‘appened?”   
Hercules scoots from under John’s head and leads him by the wrist into the kitchen. Lafayette leans against the counter and shakes his blazer off.

“So, is ‘e alright?”   
“He’s confused, though I don’t think he should be. Alex cheated on him with some chick.”

Lafayette chokes on air and leans forward.

“Alex did  _ what?” _ __   
“He cheated. But John still loves him. A bunch of stuff is going to shit in both of their lives at the moment.”   
Lafayette starts walking out, shoving his blazer back on. Hercules follows him and catches him by the shoulder.

“Laf, where are you going?”   
“To Alexander.” His brows are furrowed and he pushes Herc’s hand off of him.

“Laf, no.” John croaks from the living room, sipping one of the drinks he had brought home.

“Why? ‘e ‘urt you, that’s not okay.” Lafayette stomps into the living room and crosses his arms, eyes narrowed and nostrils flaring.

“He’s hurting enough without you yelling at him.”

“‘E  _ should  _ be ‘urting, John.”

“Laf, please just don’t. I’m taking care of things.”   
Lafayette rolls his eyes before taking his blazer off again and sitting down.

“Fine. but only because I love you.”   
John leans over and kisses his cheek.

“Thank you. Can we watch a movie?”   
Both of the other two men shrug to each other before opening up netflix.

-

John receives a few texts from Alex over the next few days. Mostly just pictures of empty sandwich bags and updates about his levels of sleep. He also tried to apologize once or twice, but John shut him up quickly on that.

After the first day, John would only hand Alex a bag of food, tell him to send a picture of the empty bag, and left. George would send him updates in the evening saying that Alex was eating.

John decides that it’s finally time for him to speak with Alex again. He doesn’t warn Alex, just starts walking to his office after handing the lunch to him.

John sits in the same place as he did last time, Alex following every move he made before sitting down.

“How are you, John?”   
“I’m hurt, but you knew that already. Have you been wearing the same shirt everyday?”   
“I- Maybe? I haven’t paid attention.”   
“You have. I’ve noticed. You’re taking a lunch break and coming with me, now.”

John doesn’t wait for Alex to approve before walking out the door. Alex grabs all his things before sprinting to catch him.

“John, where are you going?”   
“ _ We’re  _ going home. You’re going to change and shower, because I’m assuming you haven’t done that either. Am I right?”

“Yeah, sorry.”   
“Stop apologizing.”   
“Okay.”   
Neither of the men speak as John drives back to their place, no matter how much Alex wants to. John forcefully opens the door and sits down on the couch. When Alex closes the door behind him, John just speaks without moving.

“Shower first.”   
Alex nods and heads off.

-

About 30 minutes later, Alex walks out of his and John’s room with new clothes and wet hair. John walks over and throws his old clothes into a hamper. Then he turns back towards Alex and hums a little, remembering how much he still loved him all over again.

“You look better already.” 

“Thanks.” Alex smiles. He looks at John for a few seconds before stepping closer and kissing him. John sighs and wraps his arms around Alex’s waist, pulling him closer and deepening the kiss. It gets more heated as time goes on, but then it stops. 

John realizes what he was doing before pushing Alex away softly.

“I can’t do that. This. I’m not ready I’m-”   
“I’m sorry. I should’ve asked. I really shouldn’t have done that.  _ Shit.” _

“I shouldn’t have kissed back.”   
“John, do you think we’ll ever get back together? I mean, I’m not sure if we’ve even really split up or anything. But I want to sleep in the same bed as you. I want to be able to take you out to dinner and show people how amazing my  _ husband  _ is.”

“I don’t even know, Alex. Why didn’t you want to do those things before? You seemed more married to your job than you did to your actual husband.”   
“I don’t know. I was really,  _ really,  _ lucky to have you. I took that for granted. I promise that if you would have me, I’d fix things. I’d be better to you. Just give me a chance,  _ please _ .”   
“You have to understand why I can’t. It’s not something that I can just forgive and forget about. You cheated on me, you broke your vows. You need to know that I love you more than anything. But after that, I’m not sure if you feel the same.”   
“John, you know that I do. I love you so much.”   
“Then why did you have to be with someone else to feel whole?”   
“You were out of town. At last Thanksgiving, you went back down to South Carolina for so long. You wouldn’t answer my calls, my texts,my attempts to Skype you.  I got drunk at a bar, met her. When she asked to come over again, I just said yes. I don’t know what I was thinking. I stopped when you came back, though. I remembered how amazing you were. I remembered how much I adored you, nobody could replace you.”   
“Apparently she could.”   
“It was a mistake.”   
“I know. I just don’t really know what to do. I love you, but I’m angry.”

“Please, John.”   
“I need to think.”   
“Okay, fine. Just know that if you want to try, I’ll be here. I’ll wait forever if that’s how long it takes. I love you.”   
“I love you too, Alex. Just not in a clear way at the moment. Let’s go back to your work.”   
“Can I hug you before we leave?”   
John nods and Alex wraps his arms around his torso, squeezing him so tight that he can barely breathe. That lasts for almost 5 minutes before they split, both being silent again on the way back.

-

John heads back to Hercules’ after saying goodbye to Alex again, tears still going down both men’s cheeks from the previous exchange.

Neither Lafayette or Hercules are in the house when he walks in, but there are two sticky notes in blue and pink on the wall. He reads Hercules’, the blue one, first.

 

_ Groceries. Text me if you need anything. Also gonna get an air mattress so you don’t have to stay on the couch. _

_ -H _

 

John smiles about the air mattress before moving on to Laf’s note.

_ Text me your Starbucks order. _

_ Love you dearly.  _

_ -Laf _

 

The second note makes John smile as well. He pulls out his phone and slumps down on the couch.

 

**Turtle Man:** Thanks for the air mattress. Can you get me some tissues pls

**Brraaah:** Need some lotion with that? ;)

**Turtle Man:** Actually yea that’d be great

**Brraaah:** …

**Turtle Man:** Wait

**Turtle Man:** Shit

**Turtle Man:** No

**Turtle Man:** Not like that

**Turtle Man:** My hands are dry it’s winter please don’t laugh

**Brraaah:** ;)   
**Brraaah:** I’m gonna make fun of you 4ever now but yes I’ll get you those. Anything else?   
**Turtle Man:** Literally any type of alcohol

**Brraaah:** I’m not gonna let you drink your problems my friend

**Turtle Man:** I guess I’ll just steal your drinks

**Turtle Man:** I won’t drink  _ too  _ much just get me some

**Brraaah:** Fine. I’m gonna cut you off at a point though

**Turtle Man:** Whatever. I gotta text Laf bye

**Brraaah:** See ya in a bit

 

**Turtle Man:** Hey Laf can I just have one of those brownie things

**Baguette Boy:** I asked for a  _ drink  _ order mon cher

**Turtle Man:** Whatever you got earlier when I was upset then

**Baguette Boy:** Also getting you a brownie

**Turtle Man:** :,)

**Baguette Boy:** Ik I’m gr8

**Turtle Man:** Truly a blessing

**Baguette Boy:** Mhm. See you in a few

**Turtle Man:** See ya

 

John sets his phone down, but it vibrates as soon as he does. 

 

**Husband Man:** _ Sent one (1) attachment _

 

John opens the attachment while Alex texts again. It’s a picture of his finished lunch.

 

**Husband Man:** I finished 

**Turtle Man:** Thank you

**Husband Man:** I’m sorry about earlier I shouldn’t have kissed you

**Turtle Man:** It’s alright. 

**Husband Man:** So who are you staying with? Like do you have a bed and stuff? Cause I can just blow up the air mattress in the basement for myself and you can sleep in the bed if you want.

**Turtle Man:** Thanks but I’m good. I’m staying with Laf and Herc

**Husband Man:** Did you tell them what happened? Like it’s alright if you did, I deserve it, but I wanna know if they like me anymore or not

**Turtle Man:** Yeah, I kinda broke down and told them. They’re pretty angry.

**Husband Man:** Shit

**Husband Man:** Okay. I’ll try to fix things. With everyone

**Turtle Man:** Good luck. I’ve gotta go

**Husband Man:** Bye, I’ll see you tomorrow

**Turtle Man:** See you then

 

John puts his phone down again, frowning once more.

He watches a few episodes on Cartoon Network before his phone buzzes again.

 

**Baguette Boy:** Hercules and I are outside pls help up take groceries in

 

John puts his phone into his pocket and walks out the door, almost running into Hercules on his way out the door. They smile briefly at each other before going their separate ways. He meets Lafayette by the trunk.

“John, could you get the drinks and other Starbucks stuff from the passenger seat? Also, your cup is the one spelled  _ J-I-O-N-E.  _ I did that because I could.” He smiles as John playfully punches his arm.

He gets the drink anyways, laughing at the names on the cups.

“Achilles?”   
“‘ercules-Achilles. Both Greek people.”   
“And Thomas?”   
Lafayette shrugs at that one.

“Well, in France it’s pronounced  _ Toe-mah.  _ But yeah.”

“Whatever. Anything else I need to get?”   
“Nope. I ‘ave it all. Just close the trunk.”

“Will do.”

Lafayette and John walk back into the house and all three men put the groceries away. They all end up singing some songs from Tangled. 

John’s smiling, laughing, forgetting about everything.

But then, once they’re on the couch again, Hercules brings it up.

 

“So, did you talk to Alex anymore?”

Laf immediately leans over and smacks his arm and whisper-yells.

“What the ‘ell, man? The boy’s in pain.”   
Hercules just shrugs.

“It’s fine, Laf. I did. Stuff went down today.”   
Laf sits back up and pats his lap.

“Lay down your ‘ead, mon cher. Rant if you would like.”   
John sighs before laying his head down on Lafayette’s lap. Lafayette starts braiding and unbraiding his tangled hair, brushing it out with his fingers in between.

“What ‘appened, John?”

“You aren’t going to like it.”   
“Just tell us, we won’t be mad.”   
“I- I kissed him.”   
Lafayette pauses, but continues after a few seconds, remembering he can’t say anything.

“You did?”   
“Yeah. I took him back to our house so he could change and shower and stuff. Once he came out of the shower he looked so pretty and he smelled so much like  _ him  _ and we were  _ so close.  _ I don’t really know who kissed first, but we were both interested in it and it lasted for a while.”

There’s silence for a few seconds before Hercules breaks it.

“You’ll probably get back together with him, won’t you.”   
John’s eyes water.

“I still have no clue. I love him but I don’t trust him and you can’t have a good relationship without trust from both sides. I mean, you and Laf. You always seem to care so much about each other, but the other before yourself. You don’t have to point out the fact that you’re dating to  _ know  _ that you love each other. That never happens for Alex and I. I would always have to reach and beg for Alex to come on a date with me.”

“Then why’d you ever stay with him?”

“‘Cause I remember when I first met him. When we were dating and engaged before all this work got piled onto him and he started staying late and being unreachable. I thought we were soulmates. But then he got so much more distant. I know that he’s still in there if I could just  _ get to him.” _

Lafayette frowns and kisses his forehead.

“I was I could ‘elp you, dear Laurens. But I’m afraid that if I were to speak to Alexander at the moment I would go-’ow you say-  _ ape shit  _ crazy on ‘im.”   
John softly chuckles before remembering the situation.

“I mean- I just don’t know. I’m so confused. Overwhelmed.”   
He pauses for a seconds before turning towards Hercules.

“You got alcohol, right?”   
“Yeah. It’s only like 6 though.” Hercules raises his eyebrow.

“Good enough for me.” John gets up, the other two follow him.

John is in the cupboards looking, Lafayette is getting glasses for the three of them.

John pulls a bottle out, smiling at both other men.

 

-

 

John drinks slowly until Lafayette and Hercules go to bed, blowing up the air mattress before they do. Then he starts throwing the drinks back, vision getting fuzzy and everything appearing slightly more enjoyable as he goes along. 

Once he’s dizzy, he starts making good plenty of ideas. First one, call Alex.

 

“Hey, John?” Alex asks in a questioning tone, not expecting a call this late.

“Hey, baby girl.”

“John?”   
“Mhm?”   
“Are you alright?”   
“Of course! I was jus- just thinking ‘bout you.”   
“...Are you sure you’re alright?”   
“Mhm! But, babe, baby. I miss y’tons. I love ya’. I mean like a lotto.”

“I miss you too, John.”   
“And you gotta nice butt, mhm, niceeeeee.”   
Alex chuckles on the other end.   
“I’m pretty sure you’re drunk, John.”

“Doesn’t matter, you’re pretty.”

That’s when Hercules comes running down the stairs, Laf trailed behind him not long after.

He takes John’s phone from him forcefully and holds it up to his ear.

“Don’t talk to him. He’s drunk and fragile and you hurt him.”   
“Herc, I’m sorr-”   
“I don’t care. Don’t hurt him again.”   
He hangs up and puts the phone in his pocket.

“Why the  _ hell  _ did you think it was a good idea to call him, John?”   
“I miss’im.”   
“Fine. If you still miss him when you’re sober, call him. But you’re  _ drunk,  _ John. You’d make a mistake.”   
“You’re pro’lly right. Can I have my phone back?”   
“Tomorrow. I’ll charge it.”   
John huffs and crosses his arms.

“Fine. I’m not gonna be happy about it, though.”   
“You’ll thank me tomorrow.”   
“Maybe so, my friend.” He says as he takes another sip. 

Laf walks closer and takes that as well.

“No more drinks, as well. I don’t want you to feel bad tomorrow.”

“No!” John frowns

“Yes. I know I can’t take  _ all  _ the liquor, but I’m going to trust you to not drink it. Can I do that?”   
“Fine. Whatever.”   
“Good.” Laf kisses him on the forehead and goes to put the glass into the sink.

“Night, Laurens.”   
“G’night, Hunkules.” John chuckles.

Hercules smiles as he walks away. Lafayette walks in and kisses his forehead, both his cheeks, and the bridge of his nose before going upstairs as well.

 

Time for more good choices.

 

John walks into the kitchen and starts raiding the cupboards and fridge. He sits on the floor with his arms full of boxes and drinks. 

He’s smiling as he shoves fistfulls of crackers in his mouth, washing it all down with large gulps of orange juice.

If he was sober at the time, he probably would’ve thrown up at the taste. But at the moment, it was one of the most delicious things  _ ever. _

He eventually passes out on the floor, knocking over the open milk jug with one of his arms. 

 

-

 

“Laurens. Wake up.”   
John winces as Hercules kicks his side.

“Why are you covered in milk?” Lafayette asks while soaking it up with towels.

“I dunno. I think it molded on me.” John says as he sits up and takes his shirt off, throwing it to the side.

“Dude, you must have been  _ wasted  _ last night.”   
“Yeah, probably. I feel gross.’   
“Hungover?”   
“No. Milk. And I’m also pretty sure there’s some orange juice in the mix.”

“Ah. At least you didn’t get it on the air mattress.”

“Yeah. What time is it?”   
“About 2 in the afternoon. We woke up a few hours ago but assumed you went somewhere.”

John stands up and winces as he feels a sharp pain on top of his head.

“I’ve gotta go. Can I have my phone?”   
“Yeah, whatever. Where are you going?”   
“Gotta take Alex lunch.”   
Hercules just scoffs as he hands John the phone. John runs out the door and gets in his car for Alex.

He speeds to a Subway, glad that he doesn’t get pulled over. He gets the normal for Alex; lettuce, onion, banana peppers, olives, ham, and american cheese. He also gets a water and a bag of Sunchips for him, paying with a smile and speeding over to Alex’s work.

He checks his phone as he goes inside, seeing a few texts from Alex starting at noon. 

 

Noon.

 

**Husband Man:** Hey, are you coming soon?

 

12:45 pm

 

**Husband Man:** John, where are you?

 

1:30 pm.

 

**Husband Man:** Are you okay?

 

1:55 pm.

 

**Husband Man:** Darling, I’m worried, please text back.

 

John texts back even though he’s at the door, knowing that security checks can take a while.

 

**Turtle Man:** I’m okay. Just slept late. At the door now, security checks.

 

The text back is almost immediate

 

**Husband Man:** Oh my god thank you I was so scared.

 

John smiles and hums as he pockets his phone and goes through the doors.

 

-

 

He gets to Alex after about 15 minutes of checking, Alex squeezing him as soon as he got through.

“John I was so scared I thought something had happened I thought you got hurt I-”   
“ _ Shh,  _ It’s okay, honey. Calm down. I was sleeping late, is all.”

Alex hums in appreciation at the pet name and lets himself be cradled by John for a few more seconds before pulling away and going to his office, taking the Subway bag with him.

He plops down in front of John and starts eating, watching John spin in the large chair behind the desk.

“So, what was up with the call last night?” Alex chuckles.

John freezes and blushes down to his chest.

“Yeah, I’m sorry ‘bout that. I got a little drunk.”   
Alex laughs full heartedly, John smiles at the sound he had missed so much. 

“I could tell!” Alex’s face goes straight as he starts doing his best ‘John’ impression.

“ _ I love ya a  _ lotto,  _ you gotta nice butt.” _

Alex laughs again and John just stares lovingly at him.

“Both of those are true, to be honest.”   
Alex stops laughing and blushes.

“Um- thanks?”   
John smiles and reaches over to grab Alex’s hand, but he just sucks a breath and looks up at John.

“I love you, John. But I don’t know what’s going to happened? I know you might still leave me, and I don’t want to get any closer attached if you do. It would just hurt so much worse.”   
John nods in understanding and leans back.

The rest of the time is silent, mind John’s tapping on his phone and Alex’s chewing. They smile at each other every few minutes, one or the other’s gaze lingers for a few seconds longer than the other person’s does. 

After 30 or so minutes, John gets up and gives Alex a quick peck on the cheek before rushing out, both men blushing.

 

-

 

John opens the door and walks in the house, noticing an empty cracker sleeve still on the floor. He picks it up and walks to the kitchen, covering his eyes and feigning a yell.

“You’re sinning!” 

He yells as Hercules and Lafayette scramble off of each other and off the counter, Lafayette wiping a bit of drool from his chin.

“Hey, at least you caught us with our clothes  _ on. _ ” Hercules jokes but Lafayette (who is now furiously blushing) slaps his arm.

“Sorry, dear.” Lafayette apologizes.

“It’s fine, as long as you didn’t get any of your saliva in the food.” He laughs, but Hercule’s eyes go wide as he turns back towards the pot on the stove. He stirs it around a bit before bringing it to the sink.

“ _ Shit,  _ man. Pasta burned.”   
“Yeah? Maybe you should’ve waited to let out that sexual frustration ‘til  _ after  _ dinner.” 

“Aw shut up man. At least we got someone to let it out with.” Hercules turns around and rambles apologies as soon as he realizes what he said.

“Herc, it’s alright. Calm down.” John says with a fake smile and a pat on the back. He apologizes once more before starting on another pot of spaghetti, quieter this time.

Laf breaks the uncomfortable silence first.

“So, John. Why do you bring lunch to Alexander everyday?”   
“Because he won’t each if I don’t make him and I want him to take good care of himself.”   
“I don’t understand you, John. But I respect what you’re doing for ‘im.”   
John smiles and helps make the rest of the dinner.

The doorbell rings while they’re finishing up and John volunteers to get it. He rubs his hands on his pants, getting white flour stains down each leg but choosing to ignore it.

He gasps at first when he opens the door, suddenly very self-conscious of the flour.

“Hey, Alex?”   
“Uh, yeah. Hey John.”   
“I don’t mean to be rude, but why are you here?”   
“I was just wondering if I could talk to Laf and Herc?”   
“Maybe? I’ll see. You can come if you want.”   
Alex steps in and hugs John before the latter walks away back to the kitchen.

“Who was it?” Hercules asks while rinsing a pot out.

“Um, it was Alex.”   
Both men stop what they’re doing and look to John.

“What does ‘e want?”   
“He said that he wants to talk to both of you.”   
They both scoff but go to the doorway anyways.

“What do  _ you  _ want, Alex?” Herc says first.

“Hercules, Lafayette, I came to apologize to the both of you. I know you’re probably upset at me.”   
“Well at least ‘e ‘as  _ that  _ bit of common sense.” Lafayette chuckles darkly.

“I’m sorry, guys. It was a drunk mistake that just kept happening.”   
“Were you drunk the entire time? No? Well then you  _ should have stopped.” _ __   
“I know! Trust me, I know. I don’t know what I was thinking.”   
“Were you thinking? Like, at all?”   
“You’re right, I wasn’t.”   
Hercules rolls his eyes.

“What the ‘ell were you expecting to accomplish with this visit?”   
“I want your forgiveness, both of you. I know you’re angry at me.”   
“You’re shouldn’t be asking for  _ our  _ forgiveness, Alex. You should be asking John, ‘e is the one you betrayed. I think both ‘Ercules and I are just  _ very  _ disappointed in you.”   
“No. I’m flat out  _ angry. _ You hurt our boy.” Hercules says while glaring at Alex.

“”I’m really  _ really  _ sorry, guys. I’m working things out with John, or at least I’m trying to. I mean, if he can at least  _ hear me out,  _ can’t you.”   
“I don’t think that we-”   
“Guys, please listen to him. For me.” John steps out from the kitchen with his arms crossed shyly.

Lafayette sighs and looks back to Alex while Hercules rolls his eyes.

“Fine, for John. Speak.”   
“Well, I mean, I think I’ve already covered most of what I wanted to say here. I just really hope that you guys could possibly forgive me? I really don’t want to lose not  _ only  _ the love of my life but 2 of my best friends as well.”

“If John was truly the love of your life you wouldn’t have cheated on him.”   
Alex sighs and brushes his hair back with his fingers.

“I know that my actions aren’t that justifiable after that first night where I was drunk. I don’t know what else to say, I was stupid. I  _ am  _ stupid. I know that. John knows that.  _ You  _ know that. And everybody else  _ deserves  _ to know it.”   
“Agreed.” Hercules says in a monotone voice.

“Herc, stop.” John responds accusingly.

“No, John, he’s right. I know things won’t go back to normal for us quickly. But please just say you forgive me. That would be enough.”   
Lafayette and Hercules exchange a glance before looking back to Alex.

“Fine. But you’re right, it won’t be quick. Neither of us understand how John is getting over it so quick, we must say. But let me warn you, Alexander. If you  _ ever  _ ‘urt ‘im again. There  _ will  _ be consequences. And we will  _ not  _ forgive you. Ever. Period.”

“I know, I know. I understand. I promise  _ never ever  _ again. I love him.”   
“Yeah, okay.” Lafayette and Hercules walk back to the kitchen, leaving John and Alex alone. 

“I’m sorry. They’re overreacting.”

“No, they really aren’t. I fucked up  _ bad.  _ And I don’t think you can deny it either.”   
“I- You’re right. But I really wish I could.”

“Yeah, me too. I can’t forgive myself either.”

“So, what are your plans for today?”   
“I don’t really know. I took the rest of the day off work since it’s a weekend.”

“Do you- wanna go to dinner or something?”

“Oh, sure?”

“Where do you wanna go?”   
“I mean, wherever. You can choose, if you’d like.”   
“Applebee’s sound good?”

“Mhm.”

 

-

 

It’s mostly empty in the restaurant. Most people are still at work at this point. Alex and John are sitting across from each other while silently awaiting their food.

 

“John. I miss you.” Alex says out of the blue.

“I miss you too, Alex.”   
“I know, I know. But like- I don’t even know what I’m trying to say. I miss you and you say that you miss me but we’re just not  _ working.  _ I don’t know whether to call you my husband or my boyfriend or my friend or  _ what.” _

_ “ _ I’m your husband.”   
“Then when will we  _ act  _ like it again?”   
  


John pauses for a second before reaching over and grabbing Alex’s hand.

 

“I think now would be good.”   
  
John smiles- but Alex shatters. He starts crying and thanking John, gripping onto his hand as if it were the only thing keeping him alive. John lets Alex calm down a bit before squeezing his hand again.

 

“We’re gonna make it work. Promise.”


End file.
